Nothing More Than USED GOODS

"USED GOODS." That is all that I was. Bad decisions and past mistakes hung heavy over me. I was "used goods" not realizing that I could be anything more. From that perspective, choosing a "good man" was blurred. I settled for what I thought I was worth. Even though I saw all of the RED FLAGS of anger, belittlement and abuse that would come, I settled for him, desperate to not be alone. After all, who else would want this?

Through that relationship, I saw my once good upbringing ripped to shreds. I longed for love, any kind of love, even if it was one that was tainted and overshadowed by drugs and alcohol in a man. I did the typical thinking of, "I can change him". I never dreamed that I was the one that was going to be changed, and it wasn't for the better. Time went by, the abuse got worse. Where was my "happily ever after?" I started compromising what I believed,  acting out in ways and doing things that brought shame, confusion and fear. I stopped living and started surviving on a day to day basis. I longed for a healthy marriage. I lost my hope and reason to laugh. I lost my reason to live. 

It wasn't until I found myself pregnant with my beautiful daughter that I knew I needed to build a better opportunity for her. I guess you could say that having this baby saved my life. Though any hope for my own "love life" was shot, the love that I had for her, had to be greater. I learned one of the most valuable lessons on this earth: to  love someone else greater than I loved me. For the first time in a long time, I had something to live for. We left when she was 6 months old and we never looked back. With $500 in my pocket and nothing but our clothes and a trailer full of stuff, we moved. Scary. I was going to be a single parent, but the alternative to stay and potentially die was no longer an option. 

It was not easy. Working whatever jobs and however many hours, to make ends meet and create a home for my child was grueling. We went to church, sought God and allowed healing to come and put back the pieces. I stopped chasing after flighty relationships. I was content to let God make me whole, not a man. That's when it happened...

I was praying with a friend about our "future spouses" and for the first time in almost 8 years, my heart opened up and dared to long for what I thought was completely lost. November of 2010, in he walked into my life. I was scared, convinced he wrong for me in every way. However, for the first time, I was hopeful. And there begins one of the greatest love stories ever written, to me anyways. It's a story of hope, life and second chances. A story that shows, with God, anything is possible- even for those labeled "used goods".

Stay tuned.

Perhaps you can relate to this story. In so many ways, she is like so many women; So afraid to be alone that she settled for counterfeit love and lived in mistrust, abuse, fear and strife.  The most beautiful part of the story is that it took a child to teach her what true love was and enabled her to break free from her chains. This baby girl could have easily been aborted due to the circumstances, but in the end, she brought new life, hope and courage. 

If you find yourself in a situation like this, know that you are not alone. Black Americans 4 Life is dedicated to provide help in "hopeless" situations.  If you feel helpless, hopeless, or scared maybe it is time to reach out to someone. We'd love to help.  

Here's how:

www.BA4L.org    816-721-5050    info@ba4l.org 

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Longing to be Loved

I know we all have a story to tell. Some seem more gruesome or horrific than others. The bottom line to them all, as our miss-placed passions rule us, we all are desperately attempting to fill a void within the center of who we are. That void that we've tried to soothe, though temporarily fulfilled, has gotten bigger. It's now more aggressively demanding of our attention, trapping us within and making us helpless to break free. So where does that leave us? For Jasmine, it left her feeling guilty, convicted, confused and hopeless. Any chance of a "normal" life was gone. Or was it? This is her story.

"October 13, 2005, I had an abortion that resulted from a relationship that I had with a relative. Before you gasp in disbelief or disgust, know that it came about, not out of lust that we had, but out of a love that we didn't have.

I would like to say that I had an "ah-ha" moment quickly; That my relationship with him was only a one time thing. It wasn't. What started as innocent hearts longing to be loved and looking basic affection from those closest to us, turned into the selfishness of our flesh, compensating to fulfill ourselves. Twisted. We lived in this dark place, hurting, broken and in desperate need of restoration, destroying everything and everyone that was good for our lives. We felt trapped within the guilt and shame. Out of a desire to have more, in the end, it caused us to be so much less.

Somewhere in the midst you try and make it okay. You try and convince yourself that this is good and right. You do whatever you can to stop yourself from dreaming of something more because you don't believe you deserve any better. Those voices start sneering, screaming, "This is how you will be forever!" and "You are too far gone to change who you are now! Even if you tried, if anyone REALLY knew who you were and what you've done, no one would want you." So you stay. I stayed, off and on for 5 years.

What got me to the place where I let down every defense? Where every sound judgment that I had went out the window? Where my choices and actions led me into a place where I was convinced I had no other choice but have an abortion? Why? For the countless reasons why so many others allow themselves to go where they never said they'd go: out of a vast void inside my life that longed to be filled.

Perhaps you can relate to Jasmine's story. At its core, It is not unlike many stories out there. Although the way the story plays out may vary, the same consequences remain: unrelenting emptiness. Is there a way to satisfy those tormenting forces that drive us so far away? Is there a path back to a full life, free of torment, guilt and shame? There is, but Jasmine didn't know it at the time... That's where we come in.

Black Americans 4 Life (Missouri) is an organization that helps women just like Jasmine. Through collaborative efforts with various organizations around Kansas City, Black Americans for Life is helping women in crisis in an effort to stop the cycle of abortion. It is our goal to enable women to break free from mental, spiritual, emotional and circumstantial enslavement allowing them to live healthy, productive lives.

Learn more about Black Americans 4 Life

So what became of Jasmine? Subscribe to find out. Comment if you can relate to her story. Share if you feel her story could help someone.  Need someone to talk to? E-mail us at info@ba4l.org